A tribute to one of the greatest singers of all time who will be sadly missed.




October 29, 2011

My life is officially over.  I don't even know what to do or what to say.  My grandmother is gone.  I've been crying non-stop since around 2 pm (Saturday).  She was doing so good and talked to me and then Thursday night we were told by the doctor to give her these anti-biotics because she had a blood infection.  Before I was going to give her these anti-biotics, we were called and said that all the numbers of the blood test didn't look right so the doctor would be out on Friday to take more blood to see if maybe something wrong happened.  I was told to just in case, give her these anti-biotics and it wouldn't do anything to her.  Then after I gave it to her, I noticed that it seemed like she was having really bad acid reflux or something like that but soon after, she seemed better.   Then Friday,  she was able to eat breakfast and she seemed much better.  Later Friday night, I noticed that she also wasn't able to eat.  But she looked pretty good when I got her up this morning (Saturday).  She looked better this morning.  But when I tried giving her food, she wasn't able to eat.  I had her back in the bed and I noticed her breathing differently and I was actually calling 911 and just when I called them, I didn't see her breathing and they told me about giving her CPR and I had someone else with me and trying to help who was a CNA.   While I was on the phone, the ambulance people came in and looked at her and said she was gone and there was nothing they could do.   My whole world just completely crashed down and I am not kidding when when I say I had to be led out into the living room.  I couldn't even walk by myself.  No one will ever understand how devastated I am and how I feel like my whole life is over.

My life is over.  I can't stop crying and she was in such great condition for her age and she talked to me and told me she loves me.  After she got back out of the hospital back in June, I was doing so much more for her and she was so impressive for someone her age.  It's too soon.  She was so good, it's too soon.  I wanted years with her to be able to talk to her and show her my pictures and now that won't happen.  It's not fair because it's not like she didn't have family like myself who really cared and loved her.  I'm not ready for her to go.   I'm actually crying while I type this.  I never wanted this day to come but I knew one day but I really felt it would be years still.  Not at 92.   No one understands how much she means to me.  In some ways, I felt closer to her than my mother.  My grandmother and I were always so close.  This is officially the worst day of my life.  I just can't believe I'll never be able to help her up in the morning or say goodnight to her again.   She was so good after the blood transfusion in June.  It's just not fair.  So many things left unsaid and I really feel like it's my fault.  If I just did better and tried harder, even though everyone was telling me how good of a job I was doing, I feel like I'm part to blame, especially for giving her those anti-biotics.  If I never gave her those anti-biotics, she would still be with us right now, I'm sure of it because she wasn't having trouble swallowing or breathing like she did after I gave them to her.  The nurse who prescribed them told me they would be safe even if she didn't have an infection.  But I'm to blame for giving them to her and now she's gone.  It's too soon for her to go.  It's too soon.  For the rest of my life, I'll never completely be guilt free.  Everyone has been telling me that I was such a great granddaughter and I am not at all to blame but I feel like I could have done more.  Like I said, I've always been so very close to her my whole life and nothing will ever devastate me as much as this.  I don't know what else to say without starting to sound redundant.   I don't know how to deal.   This is truly the worst day of my entire life.  It's just not fair.  Her vitals were always so great and it's not like she was a complete vegetable for months on end.  I really believe it was those pills and the police told me it's not my fault but I never should have given her those pills even though the doctor said they would be okay.  My life will never be the same.  Nothing will ever be the same again.

I thank everyone who took the time to read all this and prayed for her.  It really means so much.  I just want my grandmother back.  I'm truly, truly devastated.    I can't stop crying.



These are some paintings she did.  Please read the descriptions.

    






When I put this up, I didn't even know what I know now.  I just found out that my grandmother got an infection and they said it looks like it could be just a skin infection but not 100% sure.  Of course, I'm blaming myself.  I feel like I could do better.  I just know that the next 5 or so days are going to be very crucial and I'll have to give her these anti-biotics.   I don't know how this happened but anyone who could pray for her would mean so much to me.  I thank everyone!





UPDATE: July 5, 2011:  I'm still working on that Phantom manip, as it turns out that much more work was needed than I originally thought.  Keep an eye out!



UPDATED:  August 2, 2011:  My grandmother got pneumonia and was in the hospital over a month ago and has some pressure sores and any prayers anyone can give would be greatly appreciated!  I am caring for her a lot more now and I'm basically being a nurse to her so I haven't been online as much but I will be uploading more stuff as I finish them.



I thank everyone for their support and patience!





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